Can you tell me - is my boyfriend too possessive? How do I cope with his possessiveness?
How do you spot when your loving boyfriend or husband becomes possessive? What are the danger signs?
Spotting a possessive man is not an easy exercise. The problem is that a man who is completely non-possessive is one who blatantly does not care about you therefore as a woman you are immediately (and naturally) attracted to someone who is very definite about wanting to spend his life with you. It is an in-built natural response to want to locate the strongest partnership bond possible and to fight it is a lost cause. Instead, and since the 'possessive' illness (and it is that) tends to be progressive, it is more expedient to be able to identify when it is in its early stages and then either resolve the matter or take evasive measures.But what makes a man possessive? Understanding the cause of the problem is halfway towards dealing with it.
Firstly, the origin will almost certainly lie in his insecurity and, despite his attempts to foist this on to you, will stem from an earlier date - possibly even his childhood. It is all about self-esteem: a commodity that is a key part of the male psyche.
While a normally protective man will let it be known that he is 'around' if you mess with his girl, the possessive man will turn his attention away from protecting her from others and towards keeping her to himself. The normal man trusts his partner (but may not trust other men) while the possessive man is simply unable to have faith in his own relationship. No matter how much she reassures him, expresses her love for him or just demonstrates her fidelity by staying with him, it will not penetrate his own distrust of himself. Deep inside he feels that he does not deserve her and sooner or later she will realise this and he will lose her.
Given this situation, the answer for the possessive man is to go as far as he can to imprison his partner. The only time he can begin to feel confident in his relationship is when his wife or girlfriend are at home in his custody. Nights out together or, indeed, any form of socialising degenerates from being traumatic to disappearing entirely. This does not mean he refrains from nights out with the lads, for example.
At the root of this is that the possessive man does not understand love. He neither loves others nor loves himself. As a result, he cannot comprehend why his wife or girlfriend wants to stay with him.
Initially his rejection of attending social occasions may well be seemingly genuine practical objections which require your help. This may well have romantic appeal but eventually the possessive man will become more and more forceful until all attempts at fabricating a justifiable reason for going out will evaporate and he will just resort to effective imprisonment.
At the same time as he is doing this, he will endeavour to split you from your friends, pointing out their shortfalls and questioning their commitment to friendship.
Eventually he will have what he wants - a partner who is completely under his thumb. Yet, despite this, he will still not be happy. The reason is that there is always going to be a hole in him. No amount of domestic incarceration or subjugation will make up for personal insecurity.
Finally, he will lose that which he most desired. At this point he may will become self-destructive and possibly worse. Exit plans must be made and put into place before this juncture.
In summary, there are ten signs to look out for to suggest your man is possessive:
- Normal petty disagreements will cause him to become aggressive and inflexible
- You will be forbidden to wear certain clothing if it is deemed too flirty or suggestive
- Most social invitations will be rejected and he will dictate which and when are acceptable
- He will want to escort you to and collect you from the most mundane of locations
- Even though he knows where you are, he will still call or text you to check up
- Minor domestic chores will start to seem critically important to him
- Communication will degenerate and he will cease to discuss things with you
- When you are in company, he will criticise and denigrate your appearance and efforts
- He will seem permanently depressed and lacking in confidence and self-esteem
- You will be expected to be subservient in all matters
Good luck with your dating. We hope you found our tips helpful for finding out if your boyfriend is jealous.