How should I date a disabled
person
Are you considering dating a disabled person but feeling you
are in some way handicapped yourself? Love may be blind but will you be?
Are you disabled yourself or have you fallen in love with someone who is?
There are many misconceptions about what constitutes disability and how it
affects one's sexuality. The reality is that disability has no bearing
whatsoever on it. We are all part of the same species and we all have the same
basic wants and the desire to feel needed is one of the highest. Being
disabled does not affect that.
The concept of dating disabled people is relatively new. Even a single
generation ago, it would have been thought bizarre and a singularly
unrewarding exercise. This view of disability was based on prejudice and
ignorance and, like any notion which is founded on those two bastions of
negative thinking, it was wholly inaccurate and significantly detrimental to
disabled people.
Thankfully times are now substantially more enlightened (although there is
a long way to go yet) and we (I am also fully disabled) are now allowed access
to some of the facilities enjoyed by the able-bodied. But, you say, what is
the best way to date a disabled person? Well, the answer is quite simply to go
about it in exactly the same way as you would anyone else. We are no
different!
There are, however, some simple tips that you may find helpful when dating
a disabled person. Once you've read these, you can probably think of many
more. It will certainly help you to see where we're coming from in the dating
game.
Don't try to pretend you didn't notice that they were disabled
It may be politically correct to not see crutches, a wheelchair, a white
stick etc but they are there and to pretend otherwise just makes you look
silly. Just talk to the disabled person, and make no more reference to their
disability aids than you would the colour of their shirt or blouse.
Get to know them before you ask about the disability
We hate being 'freak-showed' as I call it. Having to explain to a complete
stranger about your car-wreck, accident at work or inherited ailments is
invasive. Imagine discussing your bowel movements to someone you met for the
first time 30 seconds earlier and you are getting the picture. Find out if you
like the disabled person's personality before you ask such questions. Chances
are they will have already told you, anyway.
On a date, don't be afraid to ask how you can help
I'm sure that this will offend some radical disabled people but good
manners are always welcome in my book. Just don't make a big deal of it. If
you gently (and I mean gently) ask what helps best then you should get a
friendly answer back. If the answer is unfriendly then that speaks volumes to
you about their character.
When you introduce them, don't mention the disability
If you are showing off your new disabled boyfriend to your other friends
then don't say something like the excruciatingly painful, "This is Jenny -
she's in a wheelchair". If your friends haven't spotted that then they must be
visually impaired themselves. Far better is, "I'd like you to meet Jenny -
watch what you say to her, though, she's a legal advisor."
All disabilities are not the same
This is a sort of variation on the 'does he take sugar?' routine. For
example, I have trouble walking but you would (perhaps) be surprised at the
number of people who try to help me by either trying to take the tops off of
things or ask my wife questions on my behalf. I am neither deaf nor
paraplegic/quadriplegic - I 'just' have a spinal problem.
Physical disability is not mental disability
The fact that someone is in a wheelchair, has a white stick or has a speech
defect does not have any bearing whatsoever on their intellect. In fact, if
anything, anyone who has been confined to barracks for a period of time
probably ends up being well-informed. There is no correlation between the two
types of disabilities - don't make one.
Be even more patient with a disabled person than normal
If you are contemplating dating a disabled person then (in my humble
opinion) you should allow a longer and slower courtship time than with an
able-bodied person. The last thing the disabled person needs is a false-start
with someone who hasn't realised the full extent of being disabled and this is
as much in your interest as it is in theirs.
Don't go on a crusade
Too many people who take up with a disabled person suddenly get 'political'
and, while some disabled people may like this, many won't as it draws unwanted
attention to them. By all means be prepared to make a stand if the
pair of you are treated badly (eg you go in a fancy restaurant and the waiter
tries to seat you in a corner and out of sight) but that is a world away from
campaigning in the media.
If you get serious with them discuss matter-of-factly the best way in which
the effects of the disability can be minimised
Leave off this conversation until the two of you become a couple. That way
it is clear that you are truly sharing the disability and you are not just
being curious or doing your Good Samaritan routine.
If you can't cope, don't start
Living with a disability is not a life I can think anyone would willingly
choose. Fortunately we live in times where discrimination is supposedly
outlawed and aids are available. That said, reality is another matter
altogether. The anger caused by the thoughtless acts others, the frustration
of not being able to do things others take for granted or the physical ain
caused by the disability (in my case) does not always make us good playmates.
As a result we need to know we have some form of stability with our chosen
partner. If you are in any way unsure about whether you can stand the course
make your excuses and break up - better still, don't start a relationship you
can't really handle.
These are only my personal pet-hates which I hope others like me will agree
with. I am equally sure that other disabled persons will feel very differently
and I most probably have angered many more but then that's the point - we are
not all the same; we are as different as a group of able-bodied people. The
disability does not change that.
Good luck with your dating. We hope you found our advice helpful and
now have some ideas about what is the best way to date a disabled person.