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My weirdest date was with a young lady I was introduced to by a small local dating agency. It happened on a Saturday lunchtime in late summer back in 1987.
Despite my offering to find her in the city centre like I had done with my other dates, she said she wanted to meet me at my home (not a good idea - don't do this). She arrived on time but clearly flustered so I invited her in to calm down for a moment. She sat perched on my sofa while I sat on the chair opposite. I have to say that it was abundantly clear to both of us immediately that there was no 'chemistry' but I felt that given she had made all the effort and driven over to see me, I could, at the very least, do my best to make it as pleasant a date as possible even if there was not a future for 'us'.
From the first minute we found it difficult to talk to each other - she was so visibly frightened that it was putting me off and I found it impossible to make even the most trivial of small-talk while she sat shivering with nerves and threatening to jettison the weak tea she had requested all over my newly-fitted carpet. It had been entirely her idea to come to my home and I had argued against it - now I wished I'd been more insistent.
In the end I could stand it no more and forcibly suggested we take a stroll around the shops in the town-centre, mistakingly believing that in the middle of the shopping centre on a Saturday afternoon with hundreds of people milling around, she would stop the nervous twitching and relax a little. I was wrong.
We did manage to talk though - that should have been an improvement (while I am entirely at home with the 'silence' of lonely countryside, I just cannot stand being around someone who won't communicate). Her repertoire of personal anecdotes, however, all seemed to centre around pets she had had which, for one reason or another, had died - often suddenly and possibly as a direct result of her care. At this point you may feel that she was winding me up - but in my afternoon with her, I detected no visible sign of a sense of humour (something which I consider essential in any life-partner).
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In a last-ditch attempt to get my date off of the subject of the dead pets (about which she was quite garrulous), I deliberately committed the ultimate 'no-no' - I asked her about her ex-husband. If there is one sure-fire thing I have found for turning a woman off on a first date, it is to ask about a previous partner. It is the ultimate cold shower and I have never known even the most ardent passion to survive such a 'moment-killer'. She took to the new subject readily - too readily; in fact she became quite perky at this point. She told me that one day she had sent him off on the train - I think it was for an interview for a new job. Anyway, she had made some sandwiches for him to munch and he had left them for the journey home. Halfway through one of the sandwiches some bread and filling got wedged in his throat and he choked to death. This was too much for me - I just could not take any more.
The date was over - way over as far as I was concerned. I just wanted to get her back to her car (still parked outside of my house), get her into it, get in my home, lock the door and roar with laughter.
I hadn't fully-reckoned with my date, though. The walk home was about 20 minutes - around a mile in distance. In that mile, we had to stop 4 times for her to go to the toilet. The first was at the Public Conveniences, the second at a hotel and the last 2 were at houses whose doors she gaily knocked on. I couldn't believe it.
Finally we got back, hastily agreed never to meet again and she drove out of my life.
I went in, phoned my mother exclaimed 'Ring me back!' and hung up. When she called a few seconds later, she asked what was up with my paying for the call - I just said that I wanted to find out that I hadn't died too and that I'd figured if I could answer the phone I couldn't be dead.
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